Ella Shffrey, daughter of Cedar Hill Fire Battalion Chief Marvin Shaffrey, recounts her memories of her father, the reality of grief and what her life looks like now.
“My father was an amazing man, and the type of guy you wanted around. He was a hard-working, dedicated, and lovable man. Every day, he juggled a full-time office job, a part-time firefighter at our local fire station, daily household tasks, and the rest of his time to his family and friends. Even with an extremely busy schedule, he would always find a way to be present in my life. He made me feel like the luckiest kid in the world with the best dad anyone could ask for.
Aside from his hard work and dedication to the family, I never truly knew what he did at the fire station or at his office job. I knew the basics of his job, which involved EMS or fire calls, learning and teaching how to be efficient on scenes, and helping the community and fire department grow. I wish I knew more about my dad at his jobs, but listening to everyone’s stories about him before and after he passed, I know for certain he was the hardest worker in the world. He did everything with 110%, helped anyone in need, no matter what, and persevered through whatever obstacles that came his way. To me, my dad was extraordinary, whether I knew everything about him or not.
I loved my father a lot, even when I couldn’t express it at times; I loved him more than words could describe. Unfortunately, my love was not enough to keep him alive. My father passed away in 2021 due to COVID-19, a disease that stole him from me. I was thirteen years old when my dad passed away, and almost every adult can agree that teenagers are a pain. As most of us know, the human brain does not fully develop until we’re twenty-five years old. When we get to that point, people are usually more aware, logical, and relatively in control of themselves. With my father’s passing and my young age, you can imagine I did not handle his death well. The first year was the hardest, mostly because I didn’t know how to deal with the emotions that were running through my head. I became extremely angry and bitter at the world because it felt like it was against me. With so much talk about my father’s death, I got insanely irritable from all the commotion. The moment he died, I never truly got a moment to process everything, given how public his death was. We had people coming to the house frequently, school friends asking questions and giving me sympathy, weekly dedicated masses, and a bunch of random events. At the time, I hated everyone’s support and company because I felt like I was suffocating. Instead of being grateful, I lashed out whenever my dad was mentioned or just tried to avoid the conversation altogether. Avoiding any topic about my dad felt easier to cope with his death rather than acknowledging and confronting it head-on. My negligence on the subject became extremely clear with the fantasies I made up in my head.
Since I refused to acknowledge my dad’s passing, I would create this false reality where he wasn’t actually dead, and that he was just out of town for some business trip. Having a fake reality felt easier than accepting the fact that he was really gone. Four years since his passing, I still have trouble sometimes coming to terms with his death. Even though I have learned to acknowledge, cope, and come to terms with it all, there’s a small part of me that still doesn’t believe it. Like, what do you mean that I was thirteen years old and had to say goodbye to my dad? It just does not seem real, but unfortunately, it is the truth that I will never be able to hide.
My journey with having a dead dad has been a bumpy ride, filled with a lot of twists and turns. The beginning was extremely rough because of my young age and bitterness, but as the years went on, I slowly learned how to cope and live with my father’s passing and be able to move forward rather than stay stuck in the past. While I like to say that I am the way I am all on my own, that would be a lie. The people who helped me throughout my journey from the beginning was BackStoppers. From the moment my dad died to now, they have always been by my side when my father couldn’t. With their encouragement and persistence, they guided me to see the world in a different, clearer light. Not just with grief, but with everyday life. Thanks to BackStoppers, the world doesn’t seem so black and white anymore, and it looks so much better compared to when I was thirteen. Not only has BackStoppers helped me become a well-rounded person, but they have also shown me their full support with my various band activities.
During my freshman year, I became completely invested in the band program. I was in the ensemble band, marching band, and pep band, and let me tell you, it was stressful. I enjoyed having a space where I could be around people who enjoyed playing music, unlike middle school, where people did it because they were bored. The only problem was that my instrument, the alto saxophone, was ancient and did not meet high school standards. It wasn’t awful; I could play it fine, but you could tell the age gap between my and other people’s instruments. While I wanted a new saxophone, I decided against getting a new one since I could still play on it relatively well. Then, out of nowhere, BackStoppers gifted me a brand-new sparkling saxophone, which I still play today. With my new saxophone, I have been able to expand my playing ability and go further in my musical career. I got into the jazz band, went to the Jefferson County Honor Band twice, and recently got a one-star rating on an alto saxophone solo at Hillsboro Solo and Ensemble. Whether I accomplished it through talent and confidence or by having a new saxophone, I knew I couldn’t have done it without BackStoppers by my side. BackStoppers have done so much for me, and I will be forever grateful to them; they’re truly a light in a dark tunnel. I think the most important thing I learned about BackStoppers after all these years with them is that they’re people who want to not only help and watch you grow through life, but also people who want to stand by you when your loved ones cannot. My journey with BackStoppers has been amazing, and I am grateful to have them in my life. They have helped me live with a deceased father, grow into the person I am today, and helped me accomplish so much in my life. So, thank you, BackStoppers, for everything you have done and the impact you have made on my life.”